The photo was taken on September 23, 1978.
I was five days away from turning four.
There I am—messy hair, dirt on my jeans, and my dog Heidi by my side like he was the only one who got me. And in a lot of ways, he probably was.
At the time, I didn’t know how much I’d carry forward from that little boy’s world. I didn’t know what it meant to grow up in chaos or how long it would take to unlearn what I thought was normal. But I’ve come to understand something powerful:
That little guy?
He didn’t need to be fixed.
He just needed someone to finally say,
“It wasn’t your fault. And you turned out just fine.”
The TikTok Conversation That Changed Everything
Fast forward to a recent moment with my daughter.
She’d been sneaking access to social media. Setting up emails. Deleting them. Hiding it all. She has a specialty for the covert side of things. The kind of thing that could’ve triggered the old version of me — the one who believed control was the only way to parent.
But something different happened.
I didn’t come at her with blame.
I came to her with presence.
“You’re not in trouble for telling the truth. You’re in trouble if you lie about it.”
That one sentence shifted everything. For her. And for me.
Blame vs. Outcome: A Better Frame for Fatherhood
There’s a concept I use in coaching and speaking: Blame Frame vs Outcome Frame.
Blame Frame sounds like:
- “Why’d you do that?”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “Why can’t you listen?”
Outcome Frame sounds like:
- “What happened?”
- “What needs to be made right?”
- “What do you want instead?”
That shift in language is everything. It moves us from discipline to development, from control to connection.
It’s how I’ve learned to lead my kids — and myself.
Talking to My Kids. Talking to Myself.
That night wasn’t just about TikTok.
It was about identity.
It was about fear.
It was about generational change.
And after she went to bed, I found myself staring at that photo again from 1978 — the one where I’m smiling, unaware of how much would be thrown at me in the years ahead.
“Look at that guy right there, man.
He was in the way a lot… caught in the middle.
He didn’t know none of it was his fault.
I carried a lot for him.”
That night, I let some of it go.
And I started teaching my daughter how to do the same.
What I Tell My Kids (And Myself) Now
- You are not your mistakes.
- You are not here to please everyone.
- You are not alone.
- You belong everywhere you’re at.
Our kids need correction, yes. But more than that, they need clarity and compassion — especially in the moments they expect to be judged.
That’s what outcome-based parenting is all about.
Dads, Here’s the Shift That Changed My Life
Next time your kid messes up, pause.
Then ask:
- What do I want instead of this?
- What can we do to make this right?
- What lesson will they walk away with?
That one shift might be the difference between raising kids who hide from truth… and raising kids who grow through it.
It was for me.
And it started with this guy right here.
Want me to speak to your group, school, or fatherhood event?
